Right now, I have started new medication and treatments and I have started yoga and meditation, as well as eating healthier and, yet, I feel no different.
Every day I feel an intense feeling of dread and never seem to overcome it. I continuously see things from my past and think about people who no longer have anything to do with me and I miss them. I miss them all. Even those who hurt me which would be most of them.
Sometimes I tell people about my past and illness in hope that it will help them understand why I am not always someone who is nice to be around. People are willing to listen and show they don't care if I'm ill and, yet, every time, when it comes to it and I have a bad day where I push everyone away, they all tend to leave. And I can never bring them back because they can't accept that when I say or do things when I'm feeling suicidal, I don't mean them and, most of the time, I want to take it all back but it's too late. People aren't forgiving. At all.
So why am I so messed up? I'm going to be blunt. I've been through sexual, mental and physical abuse, not all from one person. The worst thing I have been through would be my dad's suicide. I thought I was ok with it for years but as my mind matured, I started to ask questions and understand more about what had happened which led to me feeling anxious and stressed about everything. Any time I was upset I couldn't help but consider suicide. Even now, it crawls through my mind every now and then and I can't stop it. It's as if its the only solution my mind has to every problem.
I struggle through day to day life with everything I have been through and, even though you are a bunch of people I don't know, it will take me time to tell you everything. I am hoping that writing everything in a blog may help me feel a bit better and also help those of you with similar problems to not feel so alone like I do sometimes.
